I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
