I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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