1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
