Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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