Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
The air taste purple.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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