He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
