I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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