Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
