Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
