We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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