around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
