Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
