I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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