I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
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