Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
