It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
