we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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