maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
