By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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