I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
