Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
