Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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