You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
