there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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