Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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