Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
