i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
