It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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