Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
