I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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