just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
