There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
