I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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