3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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