why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I want to fling myself into the sun
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
