I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
