I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
