also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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