were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
