Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
