Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
