In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
