she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Randomize
