That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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