I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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