Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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