apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
cat food counts as protein by the way
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
