i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
