Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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