Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
