Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he was CRYING into my vagina
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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