My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
