Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
