we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
